Waiting for God or: the impacts come closer - subtitles

credit: BBC

I'm watching the situation comedy 'Waiting for God' with Stephanie Cole (as Diana Trent) and Graham Crowden (as Tom Ballard). The story plays in a retirement home in England.
The series was transmitted between 1990 and 1994. It comprises 47 episodes, so it will take me a while to watch them all. It's the black humour, the witty repartees and double entendres which make me laugh. Here's a first taster from series 2, episode 1. The numbers are time stamps to be used with an *.avi file of the episode so that you will have subtitles to go with it

There's one utterance marked red which I didn't quite get. The utterance marked red could be clarified thanks to Jack Windsor Lewis


1
00:00:52,757 --> 00:01:00,120
VICAR: Man that is born of a woman, hath but a short time to live, and is full of misery.

2
00:01:01,357 --> 00:01:11,045
He cometh up, and is cut down, like a flower; he fleeth as it were a shadow, and never continueth in one stay.

3
00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:23,528
In the midst of life we are in death: Of whom may we seek for succour, but of thee, oh Lord, who for our sins …

4
00:01:24,019 --> 00:01:26,476
<i>Watch alarm beeps</i>

5
00:01:26,956 --> 00:01:30,523
HARVEY: I have to go. It's an important meeting.

6
00:01:31,399 --> 00:01:31,702
TOM: What did he say?

7
00:01:32,666 --> 00:01:38,727
DIANA: He says if he doesn't shut up and show a bit of respect, we are quite at liberty to beat him to a pulp, and bung him in on top of old Sid here.

8
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:41,190
Carry on.

9
00:01:42,773 --> 00:01:44,270
HARVEY: I'll see you back at the ranch.

10
00:01:45,354 --> 00:01:49,319
Come on Jane. JANE: Harvey! HARVEY: He's not a resident anymore.

11
00:01:50,825 --> 00:01:54,297
Your job is with the living. And with me. JANE: Yes, Harvey.

12
00:02:01,410 --> 00:02:04,738
DIANA: Have you forgotten the words? VICAR: Certainly not. DIANA: Well, get on with it then.

13
00:02:05,622 --> 00:02:07,542
<i>Mobile phone rings</i>

14
00:02:07,542 --> 00:02:12,158
VICAR: Shut not thy merciful ears to our prayer; but spare us, LORD, most holy, …

15
00:02:12,158 --> 00:02:14,420
DIANA: What a farce. Poor old Sid.

16
00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:16,745
Where's his family. It's as if he'd never existed.

17
00:02:17,356 --> 00:02:18,312
TOM: Diana! DIANA: Mmmh?

18
00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:23,598
TOM: It's not Sid. DIANA: What? TOM: It's not Sidney, it's Harry Palmer.

19
00:02:25,358 --> 00:02:26,472
DIANA: Are you sure? TOM: Mmh – mmh!

20
00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:29,407
DIANA: Oh, I couldn't stand Harry Palmer.

21
00:02:32,006 --> 00:02:32,972
VICAR: Are you staying?

22
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,845
TOM: Oh yes. I didn't mind old Harry. VICAR: Harry?

23
00:02:37,845 --> 00:02:39,170
TOM: Harry Palmer.

24
00:02:39,170 --> 00:02:45,204
VICAR: The name of the deceased is Esme Walters; Harry Palmer was this morning.

25
00:02:46,188 --> 00:02:50,406
TOM: Oh! Oh dear! I didn't know this lady.

26
00:02:51,292 --> 00:02:53,484
VICAR: Are you staying then? TOM: Oh, yes.

27
00:02:55,494 --> 00:03:00,584
How do you do, Miss Walters? I am sorry we didn't meet before this.

28
00:03:01,742 --> 00:03:00,584
Never too late to make a new friend. Do continue.

29
00:03:07,079 --> 00:03:12,249
VICAR: Like as a father pitieth his own children even so is the lord merciful unto them that fear him.

30
00:03:12,896 --> 00:03:17,252
For he knoweth whereof we are made and he remembereth that we are but dust.

31
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:20,914
TOM: Poor old Harry.

32
00:03:21,954 --> 00:03:24,465
DIANA: Another green bottle falls off the wall.

33
00:03:25,166 --> 00:03:27,516
TOM: Yes, into the hole in the bottle bank.

34
00:03:28,321 --> 00:03:29,922
DIANA: Little chance of recycling.

35
00:03:30,517 --> 00:03:33,068
TOM: Oh, Harry will be recycled. He was a Buddhist.

36
00:03:33,739 --> 00:03:35,382
DIANA: Since when? TOM: Since Wednesday.

37
00:03:36,621 --> 00:03:38,287
He joined the whole lot just in case.

38
00:03:38,939 --> 00:03:42,472
Buddhists, catholics, Greek orthodox, even the Hare Krishnas dropped in.

39
00:03:42,964 --> 00:03:45,213
DIANA: Bet he hated them. All that chanting.

40
00:03:45,648 --> 00:03:47,693
TOM: Right! Push off, he said.

41
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:54,143
In fact, that was the last thing he said as one of the silly sods tripped over his life support lead.

42
00:03:55,605 --> 00:03:58,173
DIANA: Is that true? TOM: No.

43
00:03:59,759 --> 00:04:02,928
DIANA: Pity, it has a certain glorious irony to it.

44
00:04:03,552 --> 00:04:05,045
TOM: Ah, Harry was a good man.

45
00:04:05,908 --> 00:04:08,725
He'll probably return as a humble peasant toiling in the fields.

46
00:04:09,146 --> 00:04:09,349
DIANA: Why?

47
00:04:09,897 --> 00:04:16,646
TOM: Well, that's what they reckon is the last step before nirvana, a simple uncomplicated peasant.

48
00:04:17,021 --> 00:04:17,680
DIANA: Bollocks.

49
00:04:21,483 --> 00:04:27,248
That idea was invented by the rich bastards to keep the simple peasants happy in their rotten soggy fields.

50
00:04:28,222 --> 00:04:30,042
Believe me, I've been in a paddy.

51
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:31,196
TOM: You're always in a paddy.

52
00:04:32,704 --> 00:04:34,827
DIANA: A rice paddy, you dingaling.

53
00:04:35,641 --> 00:04:39,462
If being a simple peasant is the top notch on the wheel of life, you can stuff it.

54
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,275
TOM: Diana, you have no soul.

55
00:04:43,010 --> 00:04:45,641
DIANA: Tom, souls don't exist.

56
00:04:45,857 --> 00:04:48,036
TOM: That's only your opinion and you should keep it to yourself.

57
00:04:48,036 --> 00:04:52,261
DIANA: Rubbish, that's my holy mission in life, to blow raspberries at other holy missions.

58
00:04:52,832 --> 00:04:55,049
TOM: But has it ever occurred to you, you might be wrong.

59
00:04:55,049 --> 00:04:59,412
DIANA: Why should it? It never occurs to any of them, except possibly the Church of England.

60
00:05:01,087 --> 00:05:07,077
Poor old souls. They don't even know which way is up, never mind whether god's black, white, or green with three heads.

61
00:05:07,077 --> 00:05:10,232
TOM: Oh, come on Diana! Stop it. You must not blaspheme.

62
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,923
You'll be struck by a lightning bolt.

63
00:05:14,328 --> 00:05:16,645
In fact, I think I'll stand over here.

64
00:05:18,088 --> 00:05:20,216
Never too sure about the old divine accuracy.

65
00:05:20,251 --> 00:05:22,519
DIANA: Oh, don't be so daft. It doesn't happen. Look!

66
00:05:26,657 --> 00:05:28,280
Come on God! You heard me.

67
00:05:28,769 --> 00:05:34,881
I don't believe in you, so how about a quick belt of the old megavolt frizzle frazzle.

68
00:05:34,881 --> 00:05:37,634
TOM: Diana, for God’s sake, I mean for your sake!

69
00:05:37,634 --> 00:05:42,874
Take no notice, God. She's old, she's senile, she's quite gaga.

70
00:05:43,564 --> 00:05:45,722
DIANA: Oh, no, I'm bloody not. TOM: Oh, yes, she is.

71
00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:47,790
DIANA: Oh, no, I'm not. TOM: Oh, yes, she is.

72
00:05:47,790 --> 00:05:49,180
DIANA: Am not. TOM: Is.

73
00:05:49,621 --> 00:05:52,815
DIANA: Come on, you big bully. Blow me away!

74
00:05:52,815 --> 00:05:54,970
TOM: She's drunk. DIANA: You don't exist.

75
00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:58,027
TOM: She had a terrible childhood. She's just kidding.

76
00:05:58,027 --> 00:05:59,634
DIANA: No, I'm not. TOM: Yes, she is.

77
00:05:59,634 --> 00:06:01,128
DIANA: No, I'm not. TOM: Yes, she is.

78
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,620
DIANA: No, I'm not, and no returns.

79
00:06:14,263 --> 00:06:15,427
JANE: Who’re you shouting at?

80
00:06:16,137 --> 00:06:20,637
DIANA: What? Oh, no one in particular. Just having a bit of a shout.

81
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:22,921
TOM: She was yelling at God again.

82
00:06:23,492 --> 00:06:26,506
JANE: Oh, you don't have to shout to be heard by God, Diana.

83
00:06:27,273 --> 00:06:30,600
God is omnipresent and he's all around us.

84
00:06:31,890 --> 00:06:33,540
DIANA: Well, God is a nosey so-and-so.

85
00:06:33,540 --> 00:06:35,769
JANE: Oh, Diana!

86
00:06:36,411 --> 00:06:40,333
DIANA: Look, what do you want, Jane, or did you just drop in for a bit of a light simpering?

87
00:06:40,799 --> 00:06:45,193
TOM: Don't you be rude to Jane. She is the way she is, there's no need to make it worse for her.

88
00:06:45,193 --> 00:06:46,087
JANE: Thank you, Tom.

(to be continued)